Time Hop

So I have this app on my phone, as do many others, called Time Hop. Every morning I look at it, and it brings up posts from the last 6 years. Pictures I've taken, Facebook/Instagram posts. It's always fun to look back and see what was happening in that day over the years.

This morning I pulled up a post that really overwhelmed me.

This is a picture of my sister with  her oldest son, Jace. He was just a few weeks away from being baptized. Ironically, his birthday is the same as my due date (I've always liked to do everything Jennie does).
I remember exactly how I felt when I posted this picture two years ago. I was sobbing. I looked at this picture and I saw the way Jace looked at Jennie. She is the most important woman in his life. She is his mother. The love on their faces feels practically tangible. I was sobbing thinking, "Will anyone ever look at me that way?"

I was single for the unforeseeable future. I didn't know what cards were in my deck and as much as I wanted that card, I didn't know if I'd get it. In that moment I was very alone.

I loved my nieces and nephews and they loved me, but they would never look at me like he is looking at her.

I have thought about that night so many times since then. It was a Thursday and I felt so hopeless. I had no idea that the following Monday, September 30th, I would see the father of my daughter for the first time. Two years later I'm sitting here, typing on my computer feeling my baby move inside me. Just days away from meeting my child. The one who will look at me the way Jace looks at Jennie.

I am overwhelmed. I am so scared to be a mom, to be capable of earning that look. I am so excited to meet my newest best friend and can't wait to be the mom in all of her milestones.

Most of the time that app just reminds me of silly things I've said, or blonde moments I've had. Today it reminded me that I am so very, very blessed.

Dreams

First my 38 week update.
At my appointment on the 8th, my doctor told me I was dilated to a 2 and 70% effaced. He told me his best guess would be that I would go into labor in the next 10-14 days. (He also said I could go another 4 weeks, but that was his guess)
That night I freaked out a bit. I thought I had another 3.5 weeks to get things in order and now that time had been cut in half. I knew it wasn't certain, but that I needed to be prepared. We got the car seat set up. I got my work-from-home stuff all taken care of (including Matt building me a desk and making an office for me) and the dreams started. Not dreams about having a baby, but dreams about getting work stuff all settled.
At my appointment last week, I hadn't progressed hardly at all, so the 10-14 days began again. At first I was frustrated. I was totally fine waiting until my due date and even after, as is typical for a first child, but now I had this time frame that I was becoming settled on. Realizing that that wasn't likely going to happen was disappointing.
Right now I am at day 13 of that original appointment and my next appointment is on Thursday.
I'm officially due next week, which is so weird to say.
I am now getting back into the mindset that it probably won't happen before my due date. I just don't FEEL like I'm right on the cusp. I feel fine. In fact someone at work told me they didn't think I was going to go into labor soon because, "I just look too good" she said, "You have to have ONE ugly day". That was an ego boost. Honestly, that's how I feel. I feel good. I feel like I should feel worse right before I deliver so I don't think it's going to happen this week. Maybe next.
I've had so many friends that are pregnant with their first and I've just been marking them off as my day gets closer. The last friend that was due before me had her baby on Sunday morning.

That brings me to my original topic.
My whole life I have had very detailed dreams. Whether they are good or bad they are VERY detailed. They could be movies. I remember when I lived in Hawaii with my best friend Bree almost every morning she'd wake up and ask me what I dreamt about. Matt used to do the same thing when we were first married.
Of the dreams that I've had there have been a few that were/are very special to me and I don't think they are "just dreams". I've also had some dreams that have come true and that is what I wanted to talk about today.
I remember having a dream one time of my brother Nolan holding a baby on his lap. He and his wife didn't have any children at the time. I called him the next morning and said, "Are you guys having a baby?" He laughed and said, "not that I know of" and then I told him about my dream. No thinking anything of it really. A couple of months later, the day before Christmas Eve I had another dream. That they announced they were pregnant Christmas morning, that they were pregnant the first time I called them, but they wanted it to be a surprise. When they got into town that night I told them and we all laughed it off. Christmas morning, they announced they were pregnant, and told me they found out that first day I called them.

Last month right before Matt and I left for Utah for my baby shower I had a dream about my friend Kelly. She and I had been playing phone tag (in real life) for days and in the dream she was announcing, via facebook, that she was pregnant. I was so mad because I figured that's why she was trying to call me in the first place and I was bummed that we never got a hold of each other and that this was how I was finding out. That Saturday at my baby shower she told me she was pregnant.

Lastly, my last friend that is due before me was due this coming Wednesday. Her doctor also told her that she'd be early so I've been watching, not so patiently, keeping tabs on how she was. Every day she didn't deliver made me feel like I had longer to wait.
Friday night I had a dream just of her posting a picture holding her baby in the hospital. You know, that first "baby and me" picture.
As soon as I woke up I told Matt about it, in case she did go into labor.
That night they posted a picture of her at the hospital with the caption "it's go time" and their sweet baby boy was born the next morning.

Apparently there is a theme with the dreams that actually come true, they are about people's babies. Now, if only I could have a dream about having mine, that'd be swell.

Getting prepared for baby. The watermelon made it home safe and sound.

Dear Baby Girl

We have officially less than one month until you are due to arrive. Your poppa and I are SO excited. We got your room all ready and each morning before I head downstairs to go to work I stop in your room and just look around, imagining what it's going to look like once you arrive.
Right now the crib is brand new, all your clothes (except the ones from your cousin Leila [which is most of them]) have never been worn. The changing table has never been pooped on. Everything is just waiting for you to come.
Let me tell you a little about our time together. You are a strong little nugget. You kick and turn and roll over so much that I believe you may have bruised my innerds. You already have a schedule. Throughout the day you are most active right before I get out of bed in the morning, in the early afternoon (probably because I had just eaten), when I'm driving home from work and when I lay down to go to bed. When I'm going to bed is when you really start your acrobatics.
Every night, daddy and I say prayers together. I am laying in bed and he'll kneel down next to me so his face is right by my belly. When he starts to pray you go nuts. I think that is why you get so active at night, you're trying to show off for Daddy. I love that you recognize his voice. He loves you so much. You also move a lot when I'm singing, which just melts my heart. It does make it a little difficult to hold notes or get a good breath, but I don't care. It's my favorite. I can't wait to rock with you and sing to you.
Your Granny and Grandpa Sanders are coming to Arizona this month so they can be here when you arrive. Your Aunt Jennie will be coming right after your due date. I can't believe we are already so close. Not knowing when you'll be showing up is driving me a little batty. It could be any day now or you could come next month. Every little thing that happens in my body gives me a twinge of hope that it means you are coming.
You have already changed our lives so much. What did we talk about before we knew about you?

I know there will soon be a day when I'll look back on this time and think "it was over in the blink of an eye" I'll think it all went by so fast. Right now all I can do is imagine, and I imagine all the time.

Your Grandpa Sanders sent me this poem last week and I tear up whenever I read it:

Mommy can you feel me? I'm wiggling for you. I hear you say you love me. Mom, I love you too.
Very soon you'll meet me, and kiss my little face. I will feel your warm skin, and admire you for your grace.
Mommy, are you ready? My life is just about to start. I will hold your little finger, but you will hold my heart.