Taking it all in

Although I know the last trimester tends to drag on, I feel like it will be over before we know it.
I want to do so many things that I don't have energy for.
Nearly every Fourth of July my family goes camping up in Utah. This year was no exception and I can't believe how jealous that made me. I kept seeing pictures and it made me miss the mountains, and cool weather.
I love camping. I love sitting around a fire and roasting mallows. I love hanging out with family laughing and telling stories. I love sleeping under the stars. I love waking up to the sun and feeling the cool weather outside of my sleeping bag. I LOVE CAMPING.
Matt and I both love camping, and the fact that we haven't been once this year was seriously getting to me. The hard thing is, in the summer you do not want to go camping in the desert, it's way too hot. So in order to get that mountainy feeling you have to drive a ways.
After the Fourth, I made Matt promise to take me camping the next weekend. We keep talking about it, but something always comes up to take it's place. I told him, "If anything comes up this week, we can't go, we are GOING camping"
Thursday night Matt stayed up scouting locations. We typically go somewhere between Sedona and Flagstaff, but he wanted to try somewhere new. He chose a place called Blue Ridge Reservoir, about 3.5 hours away.
We decided we'd sleep in the bed of the truck so there would be one less thing to set up. Matt got off work a little bit early and started getting things all packed up. I got home, got packed and we headed out.
To get there, you drive on highway for about 2 hours, unpaved road for about 30 minutes, dirt road for about 30 minutes and really really bumpy road for about 30 minutes. Baby did NOT love the terrain. We likely won't go again before having the baby, for fear it would put me in labor with not a soul in sight. (Luckily I have read the part in "What to Expect When You're Expecting" about having your spouse deliver your baby, we'd be fine)
It was dark by the time we were getting there and neither of us had been there before so we didn't really know where we were looking. We got to a place where we just couldn't drive any further. Matt was expecting a paid campground, but there was no one and nothing around for miles, so we said, "Looks like this is where we sleep tonight."
Matt built a fire pit and got a nice fire going and we sat by the fire, eating smores and just chit chatting for a while.
We got our bed all set up in the bed of the truck and slept underneath the stars. The weather was about 57 which was just perfect! It was nice and cool outside, but not too cold. I slept like a baby, which hasn't happened often lately so it was very welcomed.
We woke up at about 7:00 when the sun wouldn't let us sleep anymore.
We could not believe how beautiful of a place we were in. It was just the perfect morning.

Without having a tent, taking apart camp happened really fast. We decided to explore and find the reservoir. According to the map we used to get there, it shouldn't be too much further away. What we didn't realize is Matt just put in Blue Ridge Reservoir on his map. This would take you there, but not necessarily a convenient way. After we drove as far as we could, we walked a little ways and found the reservoir, at the base of the cliff we were standing on. We came from the back and had no way to access it unless we were to drive a long ways again.
We just decided to head back to town, get some breakfast and drive home.
As mentioned before, we drove at night so we had no idea how beautiful the drive was. Driving home was breathtaking. We kept stopping to take pictures and sighed a little each time the tempurature raised a degree (about 40 in total :( )

We got home about 1 in the afternoon. 7 hours of driving for about 12 hours at the site was totally worth it, in my opinion. It was so nice just to get away with Matt and have a little adventure.
Soaking up the time we have left as just a twosome.

Moments of panic

So, last night, for only the second time since I got pregnant, I had a bit of a panic.
I don't know if I talked about the first time it happened, but I just had this flash in my mind of me sitting on the couch holding the baby, all alone. Matt was back to work and the novelty of everyone wanting to come and visit had worn off, and I was just there alone with my baby. Still the idea of that freaks me out. I know a lot of it comes naturally and this is something every first time mother has to go through, but every once in a while it scares me to think that I'm going to have a life to take care of.

Last night I was laying in bed, Matt was getting ready for bed and I was just sitting there watching the movements of my belly. I looked up on our dresser and saw a random assortment of things; a water bottle, my prenatal pills, Matt's keys, and the thought came to me, "What will be up there when we have a baby? A bottle? A binky..."  and I just started to internally freak out a little bit.

I had a slow morning at work yesterday and figured out that, I have 84 more days until I take maternity leave, and only 59 work days. This baby is coming. My due date is 12 and a half weeks out.

As Matt was getting ready last night I remembered a conversation Jennie and I had when she was pregnant with Jace, her oldest, though she hadn't announced she was pregnant yet, so I didn't know. She was telling me that she the idea of having a kid made her a little sad because it wouldn't just be her and Brock anymore. Someone else was going to take focus off her husband and that was hard to wrap her head around. Jace is almost 10, and has 3 younger siblings now, and I know for certain she is so happy with their family. Still, I found myself thinking those same things last night. Soon, it won't just be us. Soon, when he is getting ready for bed I may be feeding the baby or singing her to sleep. He may be downstairs doing dishes or something while I am upstairs tidying up the nursery.
I think about this stuff and it makes me miss Matt.

I am so excited to meet this little girl, but this is going to change our lives. Change can be a most wonderful thing, but before it's wonderful, it's scary.

6 month update

This Friday I will hit 6 months which is just crazy. Time has been flying so far. I keep being told that it will slow down in the third trimester, and perhaps it will, but so far everything is new and exciting and hasn't gotten old so time is still moving right along.

This last month has been a full one. I went home to Utah for a weekend. We got to celebrate Matt's first Father's Day. We got the results of our anatomy scan, all is looking good there. Matt and I started serving in the nursery in our ward and we are starting to get things done in the baby's room.

I'll start off with the anatomy scan. I had the ultrasound in the beginning of May, but it was two days after my doctor's appointment so I had to wait until my June appointment to hear all the juicy details.
The doctor said that everything is looking good. She is sizing up just right and all seems perfectly well.
After the ultrasound Matt and I were looking through all the pictures and Matt said, "Um... does she have 6 toes?" I laughed and rolled my eyes, and then looked at the picture

                                                   
At the end of the doctor's appointment I showed him the picture and said, "Does it look like she has six toes? He smiled and said, "Yes, yes it does." He said the ultrasound tech didn't say anything with her report, so it is likely just a bad angle with the camera, BUT he said IF she does have six toes, it's really not that uncommon and they will just remove it at birth. It won't even leave a scar. Poor little 6 toe'd baby.

Father's Day this year was a fun one. I had bought Matt a gift WELL in advance and it was just sitting in our house. It wasn't anything huge, but I was just excited to get him something for Father's Day. As soon as I woke up on Sunday morning I got it all ready and brought him his gift.

I was a little nervous when I ordered it, that he would never use it, and then within a week of ordering it he used my pretty, frilly apron like 3 times, so I felt good about my choice.
A friend of mine did the word jumble for her anniversary and gave me the idea. I just made a word jumble with all the words that I feel describe a daddy. He says he loves it.
I also made him a card that said, "Your mission if you choose to accept it..." and on the inside it said, "Be our little girl's daddy" and then had a list of things that little girls need from their daddy. Things like; Warm her feet on your belly, fight the monsters in her closet, be the reason she misses home, show her how a husband should treat a wife, celebrate her victories, hold her when she cries... and as a joke I put "Wear her Dora backpack" when we were on our cruise he saw a Dad with a little girl and the dad was wearing a Dora backpack, Matt said, "I won't do that." I said, "Oh sure you will"
He agreed to all terms.

I am so excited to see Matt be a daddy. As mentioned above we have been called to work in the nursery in our ward. I will admit I was MAD when I got the calling, my whole adult life it was the calling I dreaded. However, I was not expecting it to be nearly as structured as it is. It's actually a pretty fun calling. There are a bunch of kids in nursery, like 9 at the least, and Matt is so good in there.
There is one kid named Brock, he is probably two, if that. Our first Sunday he was sitting by the door and when he realized his parents weren't there he started the heavy breathing and tears were coming. Matt quickly went over to him and brought some giant legos and played with him the whole time. Ever since that day as soon as Matt and I get there he comes straight over to Matt and either sits on his lap or plays legos with him. And if another kid is in Matt's lap, he gets very confused.
 Matt is so patient, where I am not. I have kids come to me and say, "Come with me..." and want me to walk the room with them, they have no direction in mind, they just want me to go with them. I just want to say, "just get what you want and bring it to me, because, as you can see... I'm sitting" But I go with them, of course.

Baby girl is a mover and a shaker. Right now she is a little over 2 pounds and about 15 inches long. WHAT??? She's huge. Every night when I lay down I look at my belly and watch her move around. I'll see a little kick and in my mind she is only as big as that little spot in my belly that moved, but about a week ago I was watching and both sides of my belly got a kick at the same time and that WEIRDED ME OUT! It was then that I realized how big she is. I can't believe I get to meet her in 3 months.

I imagine how that day will be all the time. I wonder if I'll go into labor on my own, or if I'll be late and have to be induced. I wonder where I will be when it happens, will I be at work, will I be asleep, will she do me a solid and come on a weekend, will she be early, will she be late? I wonder what it will be like to take her home at Christmas and meet all her Sanders cousins for the first time. I think about the swimsuits she'll wear next summer. I wonder if she'll be a daddy's girl. I think about her all the time.

So 6 months down, and things are moving along swimmingly. I am getting progressively more uncomfortable. I'm not even that big, but turning over in bed, getting off the couch, bending over to pick something up, it's all a struggle.

Can't wait to meet our little one.

Preggo hormones (male readers, feel free to skip it)

Here's the thing, I can feel what is normal and rational and what is brought on by hormones. Usually if it's "that time of the month" I just keep my mouth shut because I KNOW that any annoyances are not real issues and that I will overreact and then regret it.

Pregnancy is a different ball game. I feel like I've been pretty good, hormonally, during the last 5 months, but the past few days... I have had a RUSH of emotion. I'm the type that writes therapeutically so here it goes.

The past week, I have been so tired, and not able to sleep well. Matt is SO busy and stressed at work and I want to make home a haven for him, but I'm so tired. I'm ok during the day while I'm at work, but I get home and sit on the couch and think, "Wow, I could fall asleep right now for the rest of the night"

Yesterday was rough. I had planned to make this soup that Matt loves (his momma's recipe). I got home and first had to bake the potatoes for an hour and then let them cool completely before I could really do much else. By the time Matt got home they were cooling. I wanted dinner to be ready and it wasn't even close. He had a particularly hard day and instead of being able to chill out and let the day fade away, he helped me make dinner (I'm crying, freaking hormones). I felt so bad and apologized and he just said, "You don't have to apologize, I like helping you" (He's the stinkin best) Even so, I was in a bummer mood because of it, which in no way would make his day better.

Last night was a particularly hard night on me. I felt really sick and was up at 4 in the morning and never able to go back to sleep. Baby girl was moving more than ever and as much as I love to feel her move, last night I just wanted to tell her to stop it! Just for like 10 minutes so I could fall asleep. My back was aching and I could not get comfortable. I'm sure my inner turmoil was making her uncomfy too and that's why she was moving so much, so it was just cyclicle. My discomfort made her uncomfortable, she'd adjust which would make me uncomfortable.

That brings us to today. I am extra tired, I don't feel well and I know when the work day is over I'm just going to want to go home and veg. After the day Matt had yesterday I want today to be better. I want to make it better. I don't want him to have to come home and take care of me. Of course he would, and he would never complain about it, but I don't want to do that to him. (Crying some more)

I'm sure Matt would read this and chuckle thinking, "This is so not a big deal, I can make myself a sandwich and be perfectly fine." but I want to make it for him... (I'm laughing now that I'm crying about this)

It boils down to this. I want to be the pregnant woman that looks cute, has dinner on the table and the house clean when hubby comes home from work. Turns out, I'm not really that girl when I'm not pregnant so add tiredness and not feeling well to it, I don't know why my expectations of myself are so high. Alas, they are and knowing I'm going to go home tonight, get in pj pants and a giant t-shirt, and will probably be sitting on the couch eating an otterpop when Matt walks through the door is making me cry.

4 more months, and methinks this is just the beginning.
Love you Matt!

Baby Dreams

Last night I had a small little dream about Baby girl.

The Dream:

Matt woke up before me, as he usually does. Every morning he'll wake up and lay on his back and look at his phone for a bit before getting out of bed. This morning was the same, but when I rolled over to look at him, he had Baby Girl laying on his chest. He had gotten up and gotten the baby and brought her back to bed with him. I turned over and she was looking at me, and when I looked at her she got a big smile on her face and I said, "Oh HI Baby Girl"

That was it. I feel like this was a glimpse into our future and I am so excited for those mornings. The complete happiness I feel when I think about that dream and our baby is something I've never experienced before.

It amazes me that there are levels of complete happiness. You can be the happiest you've ever been and then something else comes along that makes you even happier. These are the things that make life amazing. Exceeding happiness! Exceeding Joy.

Can't wait to meet you Baby Girl.

I read this poem on pinterest yesterday and I HAVE to share it, it's so perfect for my life right now:

I AM NOT ALONE

Running errands and talking on the phone,
I am pleasantly reminded that I am not alone.
Little tiny hands, a precious rounded knee
pushing and twisting that no one can see.
Oh sweet child kicking up your heels,
it is our little secret that only I can feel.
I look forward to your birth,
when I can kiss your skin,
but for now I will just smile,
As I feel you play within.

aaaaaaand tears... again.

My Little Pesh

So many things!!!
This last week, from Mother's Day until our anniversary yesterday have been RIPE with feels.
The night before Mother's Day Matt and I were laying in bed feeling our little nugget moving like crazy. It was the most movement we have ever felt and I was just saying what a perfect lead into Mother's Day it was.
We started talking about what a privilege it is to be parents. I've seen that "Mom" music video a few times. The Garth Brooks song about a little child up in heaven so afraid to go down to earth. Heavenly Father is telling the child, "Don't worry, there is someone down there waiting for you who will take care of you. I'm giving you to someone who's sole purpose is to make sure that you are warm and loved and happy." and so on. That song gets me so emotional to think that I have been chosen to be a mom to someone. That mantle is on my shoulders and soon I will have a little life here who it's my job to love and snuggle and hold when they are scared, wipe their tears when they are sad. It's an incredibly humbling thought and I just feel honored.
As we were talking the baby stopped moving and Matt said, "It can hear you, you calmed it down." and I felt like a Mom. The tears flow every time I think about that.

Last night we found out that our baby is a girl. I was NOT expecting that and I was immediately scared. There are so many different kinds of girl. I was very sensitive and emotional. I was very insecure and uncomfortable in my skin. I am so scared that my daughter will go through what I went through and that I will KNOW how she feels. It was hard enough going through it myself, but watching my daughter experience it is too much to handle.
I was talking to a co-worker about that this morning and she said, "Do not thrust your issues onto your child. They will have stuggles and issues of their own, it's your job to love them and support them and let them know that no matter what you are there for them. Don't give them issues just because you had them" It was glorious advice. Matt also told me "If our daughter does have similar struggles, there will be no one who can empathize better with her than you."
Very calming thoughts.

When I was a little girl, my dad called me Precious, which turned to peshous, which ended up being Pesh. He called me that for so long and I loved it. As soon as I found out I was having a little girl, she became my little pesh. (Again the tears flow)

To my Little Pesh:

I am so honored to be your mother. I can't wait to meet you and see the person you become. I can't wait to see what traits of mine you have and what you get from your Daddy. I know you'll be sassy, I know you'll be sarcastic, I know you'll give me a run for my money, but I know all of the smiles for the rest of my life will in some way have to do with you.

I was singing in church yesterday and you started moving around. I didn't want to stop because I felt a connection with you in that moment, but I had to stop because I started to cry. I can't wait to sing to you and with you. Of all the singing I have ever done, singing to you will be the most important gig of my life, and the one I am THE MOST excited about.

I promise to love you. I promise to be on your side. I promise to hear you out. I promise that even if you think I'm being unreasonable that I love you and am trying to teach you how to be a strong and faithful woman. I promise I will have your Aunt Jennie teach me how to do hair. I promise I will make mistakes. I promise that we will fight, but the biggest and most important promise I can make to you is to tell you as my parents told me, There is NOTHING you could ever do that would make me stop loving you. I will make that promise to you every time we argue. Every time we get upset with each other. Every time you or I make a mistake. You will grow up hearing that, as I did. I promise to love you.

Love,
Momma.

Babymoon!!!

This past week Matt and I went on a little babymoon. I sat him down a few months ago and I told him I thought it was important for us to go on vacation just us before I'm too big to enjoy it and before we have kids to worry about.
We planned a cruise to the Western Carribbean and this week we did it.

Saturday night we were packing for the trip, I had checked in earlier that day. At about 10 PM I got an email from the cruise-line saying they needed a form (attached in the email) filled out by my doctor and submitted to them no later than 14 days prior to the cruise or we won't be allowed on and we won't get our money back. My blood was boiling. It was 10 at night 2 days before the cruise and this was the first I was hearing about this. Our flight left at 5:10 the next morning. I emailed my sister-in-law who works at my doctor's office and she forwarded the form on to him. Thankfully he got it to me early on Sunday.

We stayed with my cousin Amber and her family in Houston Sunday night. She was so gracious and had dinner for us. My other cousins Carrie and Tyler came to dinner and my Uncle Craig showed up  a little late. So good to see family.

Monday:
We took a shuttle to the port. I had the form filled out and my guns blazing. I was ready for a fight and I was NOT going to back down. We got to the front of the line and I handed the lady the form and said, "Listen! This was sent to me Saturday night but I was told it needed to be submitted 14 days in advance..." She took the form and said, "Oh great, you have it, one minute" walked away, came back and said, "You're good to go" and finished checking us in. I was almost disappointed, I had a whole speech worked up.

We got on the ship, did our safety meeting and grabbed the first of MANY meals and ice cream cones. We were in the 8:15 dinner group and were seated at a table of 3 other couples, all around our age. I will say that we loved our table and got along with everyone really well, but I have to admit that we never learned their names. If you don't ask in the beginning it's just awkward to ask later.
The couple that sat directly across from us we did get to know and got along with them really well.

That night we went played some bingo (lost) went to a comedy show and then to bed.

Tuesday: Day at Sea
We woke up around 10 (it's so dark in those rooms and that boat just rocked us to sleep) got some breakfast and found some nice chairs to lay on. We laid out for about an hour and a half and figured it was a good time for lunch. We had both put sunscreen on, but didn't feel like we were getting any color so when we went back out didn't re-apply. I laid out for another hour or so and decided to head in, Matt wanted to stay a bit longer. I went into our room and took a nap (such a busy day) and matt came in probably another hour and a half later. Dude was FRIED!!! His back was a SOLID red, poor guy. We spent the rest of the day inside. We knew we had an early morning so after dinner we just went to bed.

Wednesday: Cozumel

Matt and I didn't book any excursions ahead of time because I knew that once you are off the ship they are a lot cheaper to book. That is, if you are AT ALL good at bartering, which we quickly learned, we are not. We found an excursion for a kayak and snorkling tour. We paid for it and when they asked if we were in good health we said, yes then I said, "I am pregnant though" and they wouldn't let us go. I am not sure if the water would be too rocky for the kayak or if the snorkling would be dangerous, but they said it was too big of a risk and reimbursed us.
We ended up going to a resort, swimming at the pool and beach there, and eating lunch in the shade. It was really fun, but I felt like Matt kind of got hosed. He did snorkle around a bit there and the lunch we had was delicious.
We got back to the ship around 3:30 showered and got cleaned up, got some pizza and ice cream then lounged before dinner. (Pizza is a good mid afternoon snack on a cruise, not so much a meal)
Same deal that night, we just went to bed after dinner.

Thursday: Yucatan

Again we didn't book an excursion but we found a good deal to go to these Mayan Ruins in a place called Dzibulchiltan or something like that. We never learned how to pronounce it. We took a taxi out and they waited for us there. We didn't pay for a tour, but kind of latched on to the one in front of us. It was really cool to look around. Since we weren't a part of the tour we didn't hear a lot of the history but it was so neat to see the structures and imagine life there. It was also SO HOT. Which made it hard to want to walk around. They had a little swimming pond there that we went to. It was an oasis in this place. It was so beautiful and the water felt amazing. they had these little fish that would nibble the dead skin off your feet. Apparently they use these fish in a lot of Asian countries as pedicures. You put your feet in a bucket with like 100 of them and they just nibble at your feet. It tickled like crazy.
After the ruins we decided to go to the beach. There is one beach in Yucatan and it's not much to see. It was very windy and the water was very choppy so we just ate lunch at this little beach side restaurant (terrible service and even worse food) and then we walked around and shopped a bit.
At dinner every night the servers do a little show. They'll just sing a song all together or dance or something. When I knew the show was about to start I got up to go to the bathroom. When I came back I see my table all laughing but Matt wasn't there, because he was up dancing with the servers. When our table saw me coming they laughed even harder. Poor Matt got picked on because he was all alone. He was a good sport though and was hilarious about it.
That night we planned to do something fun, but were too tired so we just ended up going to bed.

Friday: Day at Sea
By Friday Matt's back was feeling better so we decided to lay out a bit again. It was SO hot that I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it for long. As we were laying out a man came out and did some ice carving. He carved a perfect dolphin in about 30 minutes with nothing but chisels. It was so cool to watch. What a talent. After that we came inside and played some cards. Went to play bingo for the $5000 jackpot, lost again then got ready for dinner.
We really enjoyed our table. We may not have learned their names, but we all had a really good time. One of the couples got engaged that week and I was SO excited for them.
After dinner we got all our stuff packed up and set out so we didn't have to deal with them in the morning. We went to another comedy show and went to bed.

Saturday: Home
Saturday we got off the ship around 10:30. I have a friend, Abby Hess, who lives in Galveston (which I had totally forgotten) she was so sweet and met us at the port just so we could have a quick hug and say hi. We only got to chat for a minute before we had to catch the shuttle to the airport, but it was so great to see her.
Our flight was at about 3:30 which got us into AZ around 4:30. Matt's parents picked us up from the airport and we went to dinner with them. All night I felt like I was rocking and it was making me so sick. I think it's so interesting that on the ship I'm fine, because I expect to be rocking, but when you're home on solid ground and still feel that way... ugh I felt so gross all night.

We had such a wonderful trip. I am so glad we did this together, and I think we will always be glad we went on this one last trip as just a family of two. I sure love my husband. I love spending every minute with him and it always stinks to come back to work and be apart, but I'm so glad we had this time.

Babymoons are the way to go.