Life is Boring

More often than not, when Matt and I are getting ready for bed (around 8-8:30) the question arises: Are we a boring married couple?
These are my thoughts...

My typical day right now consists of, being woken up by my beautiful daughter. I feed her, change her, pick out a cute outfit for the day, put her on the bed, lie next to her and we look into each other's eyes while she is smiling and cooing away, flailing her body with all her might. I'll go to work for a portion of the day, then pick up my baby from the sitter's, come home, feed her, put her down for a nap, get some chores done around the house and/or a quick workout. She wakes up, I change her and feed her and we play for a while until Daddy comes home. He takes the baby and I'll get some dinner together (or I'll take the baby and he'll whip something up). We put on a show, eat dinner and play with our baby, trying our best to make her laugh (to no avail). We feed her, change her, get her in some jammies and put her to bed, then we get ready for bed ourselves.

Gone are the days of staying up till all hours of the night hanging out with friends. Gone are the days of late movies and leaving the house past 8:00.

I suppose that does make us a boring married couple, but the thing is, this "boring" life is what I've dreamed of having for my whole life.

When I was a teenager I'd fantasize about who I'd marry, how many kids we'd have, where we'd live. I'd imagine our kids and their names. I'd imagine being a stay at home mom, and all that that would entail. I'd think about my extended family and how much fun we'd all have when we'd get together and that one day my immediate family would become that extended family. I'd imagine my family getting together and all of our kids playing while we chit chatted and caught up. I'd imagine the stories our kids will tell later on of things they did right under our noses that we never knew about.

When I was in my 20's I longed for all of that and wondered if I'd ever actually have it. The dream became a wish and one I didn't think would be granted. I had so much fun in my singleness but I knew all the time that I was living life "in case". I was working as though I'd always have to fend for myself. I played as though this was the best that life would ever get so I better make it a good one. I was living my life to be mentally and physically prepared to always be on my own. The typical day, mentioned above, may as well have been a fairy tale.

Two years ago Monday (January 18th) Matt asked me to marry him, and the dream was starting to become a reality.

It's so cliché, but to say I love him more now than ever is an understatement. In the last two years we have encountered so much and grown together so much. Every time I talk about him to someone else, especially when I'm talking about a disagreement we've had or a misunderstanding (I still wouldn't say we've ever been in a fight) they say, "Wow! What great communication!" They tell me how lucky I am to have a husband who will sit down and talk things through the way he does. They don't need to tell me how lucky I am.
When Matt and I got engaged I knew I loved him. I knew I was lucky to have him want to marry me. I didn't know how seriously he would take his role as a husband. I didn't know how well he would take care of me and how much he would sacrifice to make sure I was happy. I didn't know I was marrying a man who would be so devoted to me. I didn't know I was marrying someone who would make me feel that I was the best thing that has happened to him and how often he would make me feel like he thought HE was the lucky one. I didn't know that he would be the best thing I could have by my side as I had our baby. I didn't know what having a baby could do for our love. I didn't know what kind of a father he would be and how intensely he would love our child. I didn't know that I was marrying someone who would make my biggest fantasy come true.

I didn't know that having a boring life could make me happier than I have ever been.

 

3 Months, The Golden Age

When Sawyer was born and throughout that first month, people kept telling me that 3 months was when everything got better. So many times in that first month I felt guilty for wishing time would pass faster. As much as I loved this adorable little girl and has happy as she made me, she was a difficult baby. Sawyer will be 3 months old Friday and everyone was right!

This last month has been a doozy. Honestly it's been a big challenge on our little family. I was back at work and taking Sawyer to babysitters. She was such a difficult baby in those 4.5 hours of being watched that we had one babysitter quit and another one threaten to quit. She told us that she would give us one more day and if she cried the whole time (again) she wouldn't be able to help us. I understood. That night we bought the expensive formula and some gas drops our doctor recommended to us (more expensive stuff) spent almost $100 on three items. The next day and since then, she was a different baby. She has been so happy and SO MUCH FUN.

Her first two months, in the evenings, we used to pretty much count the minutes until 8:00 when we would put her down for bed. Typically she'd be crying from 6 until we put her down. Now 8:00 comes and she's still smiling and happy and we wonder if she's even ready for bed. She only cries if she's hungry, tired or bored.

This month she also got her first cold. I'm doing things as a mom that I could only do as a mother. You know, things like, literally sucking boogs out of your child's nose. I got a Nose Frida at one of my showers, its this contraption where you stick a little thingy on her nostril, it's attached to a tube, the tube goes in your mouth and you suck the boogs from your child's nostril into the contraption. There is a filter so no boogs come up the tube, but that doesn't stop someone like me from imagining it and gagging anyway. It actually works really well, a lot better than the little bubble things from the days of yore.

We both got pretty sick, I loved snuggling with her.

We also celebrated our first Christmas with Baby Girl which meant another first, a 12 hour road trip. Wowzers, when we planned that, months ago, it seemed like the easier option. I will say that Sawyer was a champ and did a lot better than we thought she would (thanks again to changing her formula) but I imagine traveling that long with even the best baby would be taxing. One issue with Sawyer is, she hates being in her car seat and when she cries she gets very hot and if we leave her in her car seat she gets soaked with sweat. It's so sad. So to avoid that as much as possible we woke up at 3:30, fed her, packed up and were on the road by 5. She slept for most of the morning, both ways.

It was great to be home with my family for Christmas. It was definitely a white Christmas, it snowed most of the week.  We played wallyball, I had lunch with the girl cousins (on the Bingham side), we played games, we even got to go on a one on one date. Jennie and Brock had us for Christmas this year and I told them I wanted a date with my husband for Christmas. They got us a gift card to Ruth's Chris and babysat for us. It was so nice to have that night with just the two of us.

Jennie sent me these pictures while Matt and I were on our date. Sawyer was well taken care of

 

Hanging out with Daddy at my parent's house.

 

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were my favorites. Dane and Annie and their family stayed the night Christmas Eve. They woke up super early to open presents (as families with young kids will do) and were nice enough to let us sleep. The one downer to this trip is it messed with Sawyer's sleeping schedule, big time, so being able to sleep in was nice. We woke up around 8:30 and opened our presents. Family trickled in throughout the rest of the day. Nolan and Treo were going to drive up, but it was snowing really hard and the roads were really dangerous, so they turned around. That night we played games with all my siblings (minus Nolan) and laughed so hard until late (being about 11:00).

Her cousins loved her so much. Especially Talon. He was always hugging her and holding her hand. They watched Jurassic World and a scary part came up and he runs over to her "Oh Thoyo!!!" and gave her a big hug (protecting her) So cute.

We decided we'd drive home the next day so we could have a day to recover after the trip. On the way home, we stopped in St George to see Nolan and Treo. I realized that I hadn't seen Treo and the kids since last Thanksgiving. Can't believe it had been that long. It was nice to see them and for them to meet Sawyer.

She is getting better at taking a binky as well.

 

The week after Christmas we had been talking about what to do for New Year's. Hard to make plans to be up that late when you have a newborn. We decided that we'd celebrate by getting take out and watching a movie at home. Honestly, I was really looking forward to it. I told Matt I likely wouldn't last until midnight, he gave me grief and reminded me that we could sleep in and I agreed. Neither of us even wanted to stay up once 10:00 hit. I put a post up on Facebook about how my first act of 2016 was changing my daughter's diaper and feeding her. I'm honored to be able to have that be my New Year's.

Sawyer is changing so much every day. She's more alert and it's so fun to watch her discover things. She's almost always clasping her hands together and she LOVES sucking on her hand. Now that we have changed formula she is so much better about taking a bottle, though sometimes she still prefers to nurse and will refuse a bottle. She is so happy, and happiest when she's on her changing table. We can't figure out why. As soon as we put her on there she is smiling and kicking and cooing like crazy. Sometimes we'll just stand there and talk to her for 15-20 minutes because she's so dang happy and cute.

She is on a pretty good schedule these days, sleeps pretty well at night. She has a pretty consistent 7 hour stretch at night, sometimes longer, rarely shorter. She takes a good 2.5-3 hour nap during the day with a few 30-45 minuters as well.

I still can't tell who she looks like more. We get differing opinions a lot, but I feel like people mostly say she looks like Matt.

This last month had a lot of challenges and some we are still trying to work through, but for the most part it was wonderful. Now not only am I looking into what the next month will hold, but 2016 as well. 2016 is going to be so much fun.

3 months old means no longer a newborn. Sawyer  has officially graduated to infant status.

Likes:
Being naked,
baths
her changing table
Mommy's singing
talking
being lifted in the air
being on her tummy
her  play gym from Grandma Halls

Dislikes:
Car seat (still)
Being taken out of the bath
being left alone (when we are out of her sight)
sudden noises or movements (she scares easily)

 Extras

This is what it looks like to work from home.

 

She loves to have her hands by her face. When we give her a bottle she's either holding our hands, has her hands tucked under her chin, or by her face.

Someone's getting chubby

Christmas present from Gma and Gpa Halls. She loves it.

Sunday Best.

 



2 Months

Wow! What a difference a month makes.
Miss Sawyer had her 2 month appointment yesterday. She is at a whopping 10 pounds 3 oz, which puts her in the 23rd percentile for weight, she's in the 63rd percentile for height and the 81st percentile for head :) She also got her shots, poor thing. She slept like a champ when we got home though.

This second month has been so fun. She is getting more smiley all the time and has started making cooing noises. This happens the most when I sing to her, which just makes me the happiest. I start singing and she starts smiling and cooing, I like to think she's singing with me.
She is right on the cusp of giggling and I can't wait for that.
She is starting to out-grow her newborn clothes and fitting into the 0-3 month size. She's getting some rolls in her thighs and some extra chins. Love it. She's also inbetween diaper sizes. The newborn size she'll pee right through, but the size 1 diapers don't stand a chance against "number 2", so that's fun.
Her sleeping schedule has been a pretty consistent 5 hour stretch at first, then another three. A couple of nights in a row she slept for 7 hours straight and I'm hoping that starts to happen more often.

This last month I went back to work. I had bad anxiety after I first had Sawyer but never really felt depressed, until I went back to work. It was a rough week. It didn't help that that week I also had my choir concert so it was a LOT of time spent away form my little girl. That was really hard for me.
I'm trying to decide if I should keep working or not, right now I'm really not wanting to work, but I also know that I need time to adjust to this new schedule, as do my bosses. I need to be able to figure this out, and once I get into the swing of things, if I still don't want to work, then I'll make that decision. I'm trying not to make it before I really give this a chance. I just miss my baby.

Yesterday I took her to her babysitter (my good friend Breah) and she had a rough morning. She slept really well that night, so she didn't want to take her morning nap. Apparently she had been fussy all morning. When I went to get her and picked her up, she calmed down. Breah said, "She's a mommy's girl" Even though I don't want her to be one of those babies that is ONLY calm if I'm holding her, I loved that she knew who I was and I was able to calm her down. I love that she knows I'm her mom. It also helps that I am the one that feeds her... but still.

This last Sunday was her blessing day (shared with her Grandma Halls' birthday). I was so excited for this. We borrowed a dress from her cousin Bo, bracelets from her cousins Mazi and Leila, and shoes from Leila. She looked so cute. It was also the first time she didn't mess with the bow I put on her. AH I love her.
When we got to church, she started getting a little fussy. Matt looked for a binky, but I didn't pack one, because she normally doesn't take them anyway. He stuck his finger in her mouth and she fell right to sleep. She slept through the blessing and the entire church meeting. She was a perfect angel. Matt gave her the most perfect blessing (That I cried the entire way through). I am so lucky to be married to such an amazing man, and I'm even happier that my daughter gets him for a daddy. It was just a perfect day. It was so strange to be the mother of the baby being blessed, but it was such an honor.

Matt and I were talking last night and saying, it's amazing how much more we love her with each new development. My heart feels like it could burst when I think about her.

The first month was so hard, we were both learning so many new things. This second month has been amazing. I feel like we are both figuring things out. What will month 3 have in store for us?

 I love the little bracelets and bow.

So glad Jennie was here this weekend.  We didn't plan to match, we're just awesome like that. Someone in my ward was talking to Jennie and said, "Oh good you're here! Oh you cut your hair" Jennie had to explain that she was not, in fact, me.



 Three generations. A Momma, her baby and her baby's baby.

 There are a LOT of men in our families, so we opted to just have Matt and the grandpas be in the circle to bless her. How I love these men.

 Matt and his best friend Ben (not to be confused with Jesus)

All the Halls that were in attendance

All of the Sanders clan that was in attendance (I didn't really make an announcement about it, I didn't want my family to feel obligated to come, so instead I just didn't give them the option :( Sorry family)

 The whole crew, (minus photographer, Ben)

 How Sawyer was through all of church. Good Paci, Daddy.

 My beautiful baby

 And this one, just because... look at that face

One Month Down

As of November 8th, we have a one month old.

This month has been a whirlwind.
I feel like I am in mother training, but training consists of handing me a baby and saying, "k, go!"

The first week that Sawyer was here was full of a whole slew of emotions. I'm not going to be one of those moms that claims that everything was perfect and my life was finally complete, because I was a mess. It was the hardest week of my life. There would be nights that Matt would get home from work while Sawyer was in her nightly sob sesh and I would just cry. I felt guilty that after a long day of work he came home to crying, both child and wife. I wanted him to be able to come home and chill out not deal with drama. Thankfully my parents were in town and could take the baby some of these times.
I will admit that most of the time during that first week was spent wishing time would pass faster, followed by guilt for thinking that. I loved this little girl, but newborns are hard.
After that first week, things started to come together. I think a big part of that was my hormones were starting to level out so, even though not much had changed, I wasn't as big of a nut case.
In the last month I have spent more time on google than probably ever in my life.
- How much should newborns sleep?
- How many diapers should I be changing a day?
- Post Partum Depression vs Baby Blues
- How do I know if my baby is colicky
- How long does colick last?
- What can you do to get rid of colick?
and SO many others.
The other three weeks of the month went by pretty fast. Every day I felt like baby girl and I were growing and learning and taking strides. It has been fun to see her change and figure things out. About a week ago she spent a good minute just staring at her hand in wonder. I love being able to watch her figure out the world around her. Everything is new to her, everything is to be discovered and I get to be a part of her discovering the world. She has started smiling when she's awake. It doesn't happen often, usually in the mornings, but when it does happen my whole world just lights up.

As for stats, she had her one month dr appointment last week. She started out at 7 lbs 15 oz, and in the first week got down to 7.1. When we went to the appointment last week she was at 8.1. She went from the 37th percentile to the 20th. The Dr. suggested I supplement with formula to get her weight up.
She is up to 21.25 inches from 19.5, going from the 32nd percentile to the 65th.
The doctor said everything else looked perfect. It was my first time taking her alone, the other times I had my mom with me. Thankfully, this time she barely cried, even when the dr was examining her, she took it like a champ. I was a proud momma.
Right now we are working on her taking a bottle and sleeping somewhere other than in my arms. It has been a hard week. After a lot of trial and error I learned that she will only take a bottle if I sneak it in while nursing. She has to be calm and she'll take it, if she's upset at all, it's a lost cause.
I give her a couple ounces at night after I nurse and since doing that her sleeping has gotten a lot better. 3-4 hour stretches instead of the 1.5-3 she was doing before.
In the last two days I've gotten her to take naps in her bassinet and her crib. They haven't been as long as when she'd sleep in my arms, but it's a start. I tried to get her to sleep in the bassinet last night, but it wasn't happening. Matt thinks she just knows that night time means sleeping with Momma, so it'll take some time to wean her off that.
It's crazy to think that tomorrow it will be 5 weeks since I had her, and that NEXT week I go back to work. 6 weeks seemed like forever away when I first had her. 6 weeks until I could workout, 6 weeks until I should be healed, 6 weeks until I go back to work. I remember wondering what kind of a baby she'd be by 6 weeks, and now I'm almost there.
As hard as this month has been, and as difficult of a baby as Sawyer can be, it wasn't until this past Sunday when we were at dinner with Matt's parents that I realized how far we have actually come.
In the first couple of weeks, nights were so hard. Sometimes she'd cry in the middle of the night for 3-4 hours. She wouldn't eat and there was no consoling her. That hasn't happened for a while. I think she has learned the difference between night and day. She's awake for a good portion of the day, maybe getting one good 2-3 hour nap and then a few that are 30 minutes to an hour, but at night she'll eat, fall asleep, wake up in a couple of hours, I change her diaper, she eats and falls back to sleep. Last night she slept from 10:30-1:45, then from 2:30-6:30 then from 7-9:30. I actually feel pretty rested. Thank heavens for formula.
She does cry a lot during the day, but in the moments where she's awake and alert and just taking in the world I am just in awe of her. I love to just watch her. Her eyes get so wide and she makes the funniest faces. Matt and I will just watch her and chuckle at the sounds she makes (from all ends) and the faces she pulls.
Every morning I wake up and I'm even more in love with her than the day before. No matter how hard things can be, that one quick smile in the morning cures it all.

I'm so looking forward to seeing how she grows in this next month. Hearing her first giggles and seeing how she changes. For now, I'm just taking it one day at a time.

I feel like this post has been kind of a downer. I don't want to candy coat it and pretend that it's been all lovey dovey and perfect because it hasn't been. It has been hard, BUT I love this little girl and I love being her mom. I wouldn't trade this time to have the simplicity of not having a child. I get so excited by the little things she does. I'm trying to live in the now, but I can't help but wonder what kind of a toddler she'll be, what kind of a kid and teenager and adult. I am so excited to watch her become who she is going to be.
I'm loving watching her change day by day. I love looking into her big blue eyes and having her look back at me and knowing that she knows I'm her mom. What a privilege it is to be her mom.

Sawyer likes:
Sleeping with Momma
Nursing
Being held in the cuddle wrap (but only after being in her dreaded car seat)
Music
sleeping on her belly

Sawyer does NOT like:
Baths
having her clothes changed
bottles
binkies
being in her car seat
not being held
being on her back

 Day One

 Going home from the hospital

 That first week, this was the only way she would sleep.

 Love that little tush

 Her eyes are less crossed every day. This picture kills me.

 Crossed again

 Newborn photo shoot on 10/31

First time sleeping in the bassinet.

And one from today, I call this one "Pooping face"

Sawyer's Delivery Story

Trying to find the time to write this was a challenge, but I wanted to make sure I got it down before I forgot all the details.

Wednesday October 7th, after about 17 hours of waiting I got a call from Banner Gateway Hospital at about 8:00 pm telling me that they finally had an opening for my induction. I was supposed to go in at 3 am, but they were so busy all day and kept telling me to call back.
Around 4  pm they told me to just wait for their call.
I had given up on it being that day. We had Ben and Breann over and we were all just hanging out when I got the call.
The hospital told me to eat something and take a shower or whatever and they would expect me around 9-9:30.
We got all checked in and I was in the bed by about 10:00. They hooked me up to the pitocen around 11. The contractions started right away. They weren't painful, just tightening in my belly.
My dad and Matt fell asleep almost immediately as my mom sat on the bed with me and rubbed my legs. I was fine with them sleeping because I knew it wouldn't last long. My mom lasted until about 2 am.
Around 4 am the contractions started getting serious. I text my doula and told her it was time, and told Matt it was probably time to stay awake.
Holy cow contractions are painful. From about 4 to 7 I was having them about every two minutes apart. After a couple of hours I was telling Matt and my doula that I didn't want to do it anymore. I wanted drugs. Some tears had been shed and I knew it was only going to get worse. They kept telling me I could do it and my doula (Marlo) told me I was tensing my body too much, she said, "If you need to vocalize your contractions do that, but tensing your body will slow the process down." So I started yelling. After I started yelling through the contractions I never mentioned needing an epidural again.
The strangest part was when my contractions would start I would start convulsing like crazy. My whole body would shake uncontrollably until the contraction passed. That lasted the entire labor.
At about 7 AM my doctor came in and broke my water. Then things got serious. My word I've never been in so much pain. I would have given anything to have the contractions I felt before that part. My dad told me there was a noticeable difference between the yelling before my water broke and the yelling after. He said it went from yelling to get through it to yelling out of excruciating pain.
The funny thing is, about a week before I was talking to some of Matt's family saying I didn't understand why people screamed throughout labor. I felt like it was an attention thing. I said, "I just don't see myself being like that" BOY did I eat my words. I was humiliatingly loud. I would hear the nurses outside, just talking and thought, "Man, I know everyone on this floor can hear me." I also remembered talking to Lauren Kirton after she had her first daughter. She had her at home and she said, "If someone had walked passed the house and heard that yelling, they would have known exactly what was going on, because there is only one thing that would make a human make those sounds" To her I say, AMEN! I understand now.
I don't know the timelines for the rest of it, but I remember them coming to check me each time. I was at 7 cm and I told myself, "you can go from a 7 to a 10 really fast, I can do this". I had a conversation with a friend of mine who went natural with her second child and she told me that once you get to the point of pushing, it's like a relief, so that's what I was shooting for. In 3 more centimeters I could start pushing.
I kept telling them to call the nurses in to check me again, I had to be at like a 9 now. They came in like an hour later and I was at an 8. Ok... you can go from an 8 to a 10 really fast.
They told me I could get in the shower if I wanted, that the warm water can help ease the contractions. So I got up and was walking to the shower and had THE WORST contraction. Matt was in front of me holding me up and I just wanted it to be over.
We went into the shower and I sat on a chair with the warm water going over me. That did help the contractions be further apart, but the contractions that I had in that shower were probably the most painful ones. I wanted to get out of the shower, but I knew standing up would cause another one.
Thankfully I made it to the bed before the next one hit. They had my lay on my side to see if that would help, it didn't really. There was nothing that could be done to ease that kind of pain, and the screaming continued.
They came in and checked me again and told me I was at a 9 and asked if I felt like I had to push. I didn't really, but I wanted to be done so I said "YES!" They told me to go ahead and push and I just felt like nothing was happening.
The nurses told me they wanted me to be at a 10 before I pushed again and said that I needed to go through 5 more contractions.
That felt like Everest to me. After each contraction I wished they would tell me to go ahead and push again, but no.
After the 5th contraction I HAD to push, that time there was no stopping me. I told the nurses and they said, "OK go ahead and push" So I pushed and again felt like nothing was happening, and I will tell you what it was NO relief.
The nurses told me my doctor was on his way, that he was about 2 minutes out and they wanted me to wait to push. I told them that wasn't possible, so they told me to go ahead and keep pushing.
I had my eyes closed for probably about 4 hours and I opened them and there were about 6 extra people in my room. Apparently all the nurses knew who I was (probably because I called like 73 times, and you know... the yelling my guts out) and when it was my turn they all wanted to be in there.
Finally my doctor arrived got all geared up and was ready with enough time to turn around and catch her.
Little lady had her arm up by her face and that's what made pushing so difficult.
I pushed for about 15 minutes and she came out. THAT was the relief. My parents, Matt and I were all sobbing. I could not believe she was here. I could not believe how perfect she was. I could NOT believe I did it.
She was the most perfect thing I had ever seen and Matt and I made her. I also kept saying, "I'm done! I'M DONE! I did it! It's over! I'm NEVER doing that again!!!"
They let me hold her for a while, then they took her and weighed her, 7 lbs 15 oz, 20 inches long, born at 11:05 am.
My mom had been texting my sister updates the whole time and right before I was pushing she said, "Jennie wants to FaceTime" I believe my response was "NO FREAKIN WAY!!!" I kind of feel bad because I had invited her to be there at the delivery and couldn't make it, so what was the difference, but all could think about was how much I was screaming and that I didn't want her kids to hear that or anything.
The good thing about that is my mom was able to get video of Sawyer being born (from my shoulders, very PG) and that is something Matt and I will treasure forever.
It's been over 2 weeks now and looking back on the experience I'm not sure going natural was worth it, but my goodness SHE was worth it.
People keep telling me that once time passes I'll forget about how terrible it was and may consider going natural again, to them I say, No freakin way! I did it, and I'm proud of myself, but I'll go ahead and check that off my list and will never do it again. Also, my mom and sister wouldn't hear of it. They were both DYING that I wasn't getting the meds. They could NOT handle knowing how much pain I was in.
This was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. One reason I wanted to go natural, the main reason, is because I liked the idea of the most difficult moment of my life being followed by the most amazing moment of my life. I don't think having an epidural takes away from that moment at all, but I wanted to feel that relief of pain followed by complete and total amazement, and I got that.
I also just want to add how grateful I am for Matt. He never once left my side and HE got me through it. The moment she was born was our moment. My love for him has grown so much over the last couple of weeks. Every time I look at our daughter I love him more.

9 Months Later

Tonight is the last night I have hope of getting any sleep before this little one arrives. And from AAAAAALLLLLLLLL the advice I've been given, probably the last night I can hope to get sleep for the near future.
It's one thing to know she could come any time. If she came on her own I would just go into labor. I would go from normal life to counting contractions and having the "this is it" thoughts and then go to the hospital. I imagine the adrenaline would be pumping and you would just be experiencing things as they happen. It's quite another thing to have it scheduled. To have time to think about it and imagine it and know that in 28 hours (assuming she doesn't actually come on her own before then) I will be heading to the hospital to willingly go through the most pain I will have ever experienced in my life, and for HOURS!!!
For the last 8 months and 2 days, since I found out I was pregnant, I have been thinking about what this will be like, but it was always something that was going to happen... later.
I know now how my body handles pregnancy. I know what our first child will be, and what her name is. I know what heartburn feels like and am so thrilled to know that it stops immediately. I know that just because I was once 100 pounds heavier it doesn't mean I'll gain the weight back. I know what it feels like to have a life move inside of me. I know what people mean when they say that "everyone has an opinion about your pregnancy" I know that one way more than I'd like. I know what it feels like to go past your due date and wonder "Is she ever going to come?"
I know all the pregnancy things, and now my time of being pregnant is over.
I don't know what my "delivery story" will be. I don't know how I'm going to handle not having an epidural. I don't know how long of a labor it will be. I don't know how much she'll weigh, or how long she is. I don't know what it will be like to see Matt hold her for the first time. The next part is a mystery that will be solved in the next 48 hours.
At some point in the next two days I will know my story, I will hold my daughter for the first time, I will watch my husband transform into a daddy.
In two days Sawyer Mae Halls will be here.  Matt and I created a life and that life will be out in the world in two days.
Now I'm going to try to sleep, because it ain't happening tomorrow.

Time Hop

So I have this app on my phone, as do many others, called Time Hop. Every morning I look at it, and it brings up posts from the last 6 years. Pictures I've taken, Facebook/Instagram posts. It's always fun to look back and see what was happening in that day over the years.

This morning I pulled up a post that really overwhelmed me.

This is a picture of my sister with  her oldest son, Jace. He was just a few weeks away from being baptized. Ironically, his birthday is the same as my due date (I've always liked to do everything Jennie does).
I remember exactly how I felt when I posted this picture two years ago. I was sobbing. I looked at this picture and I saw the way Jace looked at Jennie. She is the most important woman in his life. She is his mother. The love on their faces feels practically tangible. I was sobbing thinking, "Will anyone ever look at me that way?"

I was single for the unforeseeable future. I didn't know what cards were in my deck and as much as I wanted that card, I didn't know if I'd get it. In that moment I was very alone.

I loved my nieces and nephews and they loved me, but they would never look at me like he is looking at her.

I have thought about that night so many times since then. It was a Thursday and I felt so hopeless. I had no idea that the following Monday, September 30th, I would see the father of my daughter for the first time. Two years later I'm sitting here, typing on my computer feeling my baby move inside me. Just days away from meeting my child. The one who will look at me the way Jace looks at Jennie.

I am overwhelmed. I am so scared to be a mom, to be capable of earning that look. I am so excited to meet my newest best friend and can't wait to be the mom in all of her milestones.

Most of the time that app just reminds me of silly things I've said, or blonde moments I've had. Today it reminded me that I am so very, very blessed.