Time Hop

So I have this app on my phone, as do many others, called Time Hop. Every morning I look at it, and it brings up posts from the last 6 years. Pictures I've taken, Facebook/Instagram posts. It's always fun to look back and see what was happening in that day over the years.

This morning I pulled up a post that really overwhelmed me.

This is a picture of my sister with  her oldest son, Jace. He was just a few weeks away from being baptized. Ironically, his birthday is the same as my due date (I've always liked to do everything Jennie does).
I remember exactly how I felt when I posted this picture two years ago. I was sobbing. I looked at this picture and I saw the way Jace looked at Jennie. She is the most important woman in his life. She is his mother. The love on their faces feels practically tangible. I was sobbing thinking, "Will anyone ever look at me that way?"

I was single for the unforeseeable future. I didn't know what cards were in my deck and as much as I wanted that card, I didn't know if I'd get it. In that moment I was very alone.

I loved my nieces and nephews and they loved me, but they would never look at me like he is looking at her.

I have thought about that night so many times since then. It was a Thursday and I felt so hopeless. I had no idea that the following Monday, September 30th, I would see the father of my daughter for the first time. Two years later I'm sitting here, typing on my computer feeling my baby move inside me. Just days away from meeting my child. The one who will look at me the way Jace looks at Jennie.

I am overwhelmed. I am so scared to be a mom, to be capable of earning that look. I am so excited to meet my newest best friend and can't wait to be the mom in all of her milestones.

Most of the time that app just reminds me of silly things I've said, or blonde moments I've had. Today it reminded me that I am so very, very blessed.